Explore All Jokes
42 jokes
“A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a price on a drink.
The barkeeper says: "For you... no charge!"”
“My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.”
“My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact deta...”
“Why is every gender equality officer female?”
Because it's cheaper.
“What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?
I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.”
“A perfectionist walked into a bar... apparently, the bar was not set high enough.”
“What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?”
An outlaw is wanted.
“I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.”
“What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?”
Nothing. You already told her twice.
“My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.”
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
“Why are cats so good at video games?”
They have nine lives.
“What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?”
The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.
“I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.”
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
“My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.”
“What's the difference between England and a tea bag?”
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
“Why was the mushroom always invited to parties?”
Cause he's a fungi.
“I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.”
“My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.”
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
“Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.”
I told her, "We already have food in the house".
“What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?”
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
“Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?”
Because women don't have rights.